Taking Care
by Richefic
Summary: After an unexpected accident, Tony has to face up to his own mortality and his unresolved feelings about how Kate died. Not Romance. Set Season 3.
1. Chapter 1

Discalimer - Not mine. If they were I'd include all the bits the writers always seem to leave out.

AN - This story has a slight spoiler for a certain event in my story "A day to remember" but its not necessary to have read that first. All wil be made perfectly clear.

* * *

Timothy McGee checked his watch as he waited impatiently for the elevator to ascend, counting down the small illuminated numbers of if the very act could will the car to go faster. Not that he was _that _late. But first he'd overslept and then he'd spilt egg on his clean shirt at breakfast and had to change. They might not have a hot case right now, however, on Gibbs' team being anything but early was unacceptable.

"Come on." Agitated and anxious to avoid the piercing glare and acerbic comments that would greet his tardiness he bounced a little on his toes, as if that might actually speed things up.

At last, the elevator dinged its arrival and the doors slid open to reveal the bull pen, Ducking down slightly as he scooted around the partition McGee breathed a sigh of relief to see that Gibbs' desk was presently un occupied. The jacket slung over the chair and the cup of coffee cup already in the trash were testament to his presence in the building but, if McGee was lucky he'd had been away from his desk long enough not to notice his junior Agent has only just made it in.

"Where is he?" Even as he slung his backpack in the corner and threw himself into his chair, powering up his computer, McGee cast an anxious glance at Ziva, already leafing through a file, the sheaf of notes at her elbow and empty juice cup all testament to her early arrival.

"He went up to speak with the Director."

McGee breathed a sigh of relief. There was a God. And there was still hope that his deriliction of duty might go unremarked.

"How long?"

"Five minutes." Ziva shrugged.

"Five minutes?" McGee winced, with a guilty look at the clock. He was at least twenty minutes lack by Gibbs' standards. The ex-marine didn't tolerant slackness on his team and, due to an unfortunate series of circumstances that McGee knew wouldn't cut any ice with his Boss this was the second time he had been late this week. "He's going to have me scrubbing the Head with a toothbrush, isn't he?"

"I don't think you need to worry." Ziva assured him. "He probably won't even notice that you are late."

"Won't _notice_?"

The second word came out as a rather undignified squeak, which drew, glances from across the bullpen. McGee flushed slightly and took a breath to calm him before continuing in a smooth hiss. "Ziva, this is Gibbs we're talking about he notices everything."

"Yes, but .."

The Mossard Officer didn't get a chance to finish as the man in question swept down the stairs and around the corner, crushing his coffee cup with more than usual force and sending it in a perfect arc towards a nearby trash can, even as he scowled in the direction of a conspicuously empty desk.

"Where the _hell_ is, DiNozzo?"

Following his line of sight McGee realised that not only was Tony's desk empty. His backpack was missing. His jacket wasn't slung around his chair. There was no Styrofoam cup and breakfast burrito wrapper littering his desk and his computer was dark and totally silent.

"Tony's late."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth McGee realised that the note of glee in his voice was not in keeping with their Boss' mood. If looks could kill the glare Gibbs sent in his direction would have reduced him to a small pile of smouldering ashes in the blink of an eye.

"I tried his home and his cell," Ziva rose to her feet. "No answer."

"What else?" Gibbs asked.

"Nothing," Ziva looked down at her notes. "There are no reports of any hold ups on the freeways, no construction work that would have varied his route, no reports of RTAs on his usual route in the last 2 hours. There's no reason for him to be late."

"Except, do you see him anywhere here, Officer David?"

"Its not that late," McGee offered. "Maybe, he overslept. Or maybe, he met a girl last night and ended up at her place. The drive in might be taking him longer than he thought. Or perhaps, he decided to try that new bakery down the block he was talking about yesterday and had to wait in line."

"Any of that what happened to you, Special Agent McGee?"

Gibbs pointed look told McGee that no matter how much trouble Tony was in; he still wasn't off the hook. But for now he was saved from having to explain himself by the ding of the elevator doors opening. Three pairs of eyes turned to look as Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo stepped out.

"Perhaps, I should go and see if Abby has the results of those tests." One glance at the fury on Gibbs face was enough to have Ziva improvising quickly as she began to back out of range.

"I had better go and see if finance has that requisition form I needed." McGee rose to his feet, anxious to be as far away from the impending carnage as possible, in case he got caught in the fallout.

"Stay." Gibbs commanded, his voice low and soft and all the more intimidating for it.

Exchanging an anxious glance, Ziva and McGee stood reluctantly rooted to the spot as DiNozzo approached. He was wearing a crumpled dinner jacket and a bow tie, hanging loose around his neck over a formally crisp white dress shirt, now crinkled and half un-tucked. His hair stuck out at odd angles and there was a smear of lipstick on his collar.

"You'd better have a dammed good explanation, DiNozzo."

Afterward, McGee would realise that it was a testament to Gibbs' faith and trust in his senior field Agent that he actually gave him the opportunity to explain, before simply laying into him. At the time, all he registered was the intimidating undercurrent of fury in the ex-Marine's voice.

"Sorry Boss. Won't happen again," Tony answered somewhat distractedly. Then he blinked and seemed to take in his surroundings for the first time. "Um, what are we talking about?"

McGee mentally braced himself for the explosion. Across the room he could see Ziva's hand creeping towards her desk phone, probably to call Ducky to clear up the blood. Or at the very least, to ask the MD to act as calming oil on Gibbs tempestuous waters, before he went too far.

Instead, Gibbs narrowed his eyes, taking in the slightly rasping breath of his senior field Agent and the pale greenish tinge to his skin. Despite DiNozzo's best efforts he was swaying slightly and looking oddly disorientated.

"Ziva .."

"Calling Ducky .." Ziva was already dialling.

"DiNozzo, sit down."

"No, s'OK I'm fine."

Tony shook his head vigorously, only to turn sheet white and visibly swallow his nausea with a supreme effort. Even so, McGee nudged the trash basket a little closer to him with his foot.

"Or, maybe not."

The sheer misery in Tony's voice caught all their attention. DiNozzo might whine and complain and the small things. But he faced the large things with a mixture of stoicism and deliberation deflection and misdirection, hiding his feelings so effectively, that more than once had forced Gibbs to fight him to a stand still to get a straight answer. This vulnerability was something new.

"Sit." Gibbs ordered, not unkindly.

He took his senior field Agent by the arm and steered him to his desk. As he sank into his chair the movement caused the younger man to wince in agony and he buried his head in his hands with an audible groan.

"Headache?" McGee hazarded. "I've got some painkillers in my desk."

Tony looked up, a ray of hope flickering across his face, as if McGee was indeed his saviour. Only to have his face fall into a crestfallen look as Gibbs intervened.

"No, I don't want him to have anything until Ducky gets here."

"Boss." Tony pleaded, looking up at him with wide eyes, like a dying man asking for water.

"Suck it up, DiNozzo. You don't get anything but air until Ducky OK's it."

"If this is just a hangover, Gibbs is going to kill him." McGee murmured, sotto voice to Ziva.

"Tony might be a goofball," Ziva shook her head. "But he would never turn up for work with a hangover. Not one that was self inflicted anyway."

"You think someone might have _done _this to him?" McGee's concern went up another notch. That possibility hadn't occurred to him. But then his ex-girlfriends weren't the type to egg his car, put him on the herpes website, or spike his drinks. "Wouldn't he have noticed?"

"Not necessarily." Ziva answered, never taking her eyes off her partner.

McGee swallowed hard and wondered, not for the first time, if he really wanted to live in a world inhabited by people who did such things, or even work alongside those who knew how such things were done. His parents hadn't raised him to be a spy.

"Tony!"

The urgency in Gibbs' voice was matched by his actions, as he caught his senior field Agent as he began an inexorable slide towards the floor and bodily heaved him back into his seat, keeping his hands on him for fear of a repeat. Tony looked up at his Boss with a fond, almost goofy smile as he patted the hand on his shoulder gently.

"Thanks Boss. You always got my sick." He slurred slightly, frowning before correcting himself. "Six."

"He's pretty out of it," Gibbs observed to no-one in particular. Not wanting to let go, in case the younger man decided to take another dive, Gibbs looked at his junior Agent. "McGee, check his pockets."

"Um," Tim hesitated, his mind already alive with the unpleasent possibilites that he might discover inthe pockets of Tony's dress suit after a hot and heavy date. Not to mention, what the man's reaction would be in this state to being groped. "Wouldn't it be better if Ziva ..?"

"I didn't ask Ziva, Special Agent McGee," Gibbs snapped. "I asked you."

"Yes, Boss," McGee stepped bravely forward. "What exactly am I looking for Boss?"

"Painkillers," Gibbs informed then. Regrettably, he had rather too much up close and personal knowledge of DiNozzo's reaction to a braod spectrum of pain relief medication and there were certain types which had clear side effects. "He gets like this sometimes."

"No," Tony waved McGee away. "Not a problem. The Paramedics said I was goo to go."

That had Ziva and McGee looking at each other with sharp attention. _Paramedics?_ McGee mouthed the word. Ziva shrugged, before turning her attention back to the scene unfolding before them.

"DiNozzo, look at me." Gibbs ordered, waiting until Tony had settled his semi-focused gaze on some point around his left ear before continuing. "Why were you so late this morning?"

Tony blinked, obviously giving the question the serious and ponderous consideration it deserved. Gibbs simply waited, allowing him the space to gather his fragmented thoughts together. When it finally came, the answer wasn't want anyone expected.

"My Goldfish died." Tony pronounced solemnly.


	2. Chapter 2

Gibbs stood back and watched as Ducky concluded his examination, talking to DiNozzo in soft, low, tones as he drew a small amount of blood. He didn't miss the way DiNozzo averted his gaze his mouth tightening in a thin line, as the needle went in. Perched on the corner of his desk, Abby looked unusually grave as she ran a soothing hand through Tony's hair.

Gibbs' hand opened and closed into a fist. Ever since that damned plague, Tony had been like that around needles. It just gave him another reason to go after whoever had done this to him. As the MD had proceeded with his examination DiNozzo had gradually quietened down, not saying a word for the last ten minutes except to answer to the MD's questions. Gibbs wanted to see as a positive sign but he knew better.

A quiet DiNozzo was never good.

Handing DiNozzo a cotton ball to press on the wound site, Ducky carefully packed away his instruments, his mouth pressed in a thin, worried line. When he spoke it was as much for his audience's benefit as his patient's.

"I know you feel terrible right now Anthony but, rest assured, that will pass. A little fresh air, some fluids and I don't suppose you've had any breakfast this morning? No, I rather thought not. Well, never mind that's easily fixed."

Over Tony's head the elderly MD exchanged a meaningful glance with the dark haired Goth. Abby nodded her understanding and hopped off the desk, holding out her hand in invitation.

"I know the best place," She fixed a smile on her face, even though inside she felt like crying at how uncharacteristically vulnerable Tony looked. "It serves these amazing ice-creams with hot fudge sauce, sprinkles, whatever you want."

"Ice-cream, for breakfast, Abs?" For her, Tony managed a wan smile.

"You know, you want to." Abby flirted.

"I only just got in." Tony protested.

"Go with her," Gibbs ordered, before DiNozzo could object further. "And while you're at it, take a shower and grab a change of clothes. Anything comes up, McGee and Ziva can handle it."

He meant it as reassurance that he could be briefly spared. Tony still looked like he might pass out any second and Gibbs wanted to give him time to get himself together. But from the pink, which tinged DiNozzo's cheeks and spread up to the tips of his ears the younger man took it as a reprimand. An indication that, in his present state, his presence was neither useful nor desired.

"Yes Boss," He rose unsteadily to his feet, ducking his head as he complied. "Sorry, Boss."

Gibbs bit the inside of his cheek at the shame and self-loathing in Tony's voice. DiNozzo didn't get knocked this flat by a simple bug. There was more going on here . He just wished he had the first clue what it was.

"Boss," McGee put in, as they watched Abby tow DiNozzo towards the elevator, casting a reproachful look over her shoulder at Gibbs as she did so. "Shouldn't one of us go with them? I mean, maybe the dead goldfish were a warning. You know, like a Mafia calling card or something?"

"You think the Mafia killed his goldfish, McGee?"

Shaking his head Gibbs looked at Mallard, seeing his suspicions confirmed in the MDs grave expression. DiNozzo hadn't been drugged, or concussed or a thousand other things that might have been inflicted upon him by a former perp, vengeful girlfriend, or knowing the way DiNozzo could piss people off, International terrorist. Tony was sick, pure and simple, except there was nothing simple about it. Not any more.

"This to do with that plague, Duck?"

They had all been warned that Tony might have a relapse. That he might be susceptible to a whole range of germs and viruses that he would have just shrugged off before. That everything would hit him harder and longer because of that damned plague. It haunted Tony's eyes, every time he coughed. And Gibbs pretended not to see because that was the way DiNozzo wanted it.

"Oh my goodness me," Mallard looked stricken. "Is that what you all thought? No, on that point at least, I can set your minds at rest. Anthony is a very fortunate young man but thankfully his condition is no longer serious."

"No longer?" Gibbs scowled.

"I'm very much afraid that Tony has been exposed to a dose of Carbon Monoxide poisoning." Mallard clarified.

"Carbon Monoxide?" Gibbs blinked.

"It's a colourless, odourless gas, Boss," McGee supplied helpfully. "The victim is totally unaware that they've been exposed, until they start to experience symptoms, like nausea, headaches, confusion .."

"I know what it is, McGee," Gibbs glared. "I want to know how it got inside my senior field Agent."

"Right," McGee rapidly regrouped. "Most common risk of exposure is faulty heating systems, without proper ventilation. Its also a factor in a number of suicides, it only takes a few minutes for a car in a locked garage to produce .." He trailed off as he realised the looks he was getting. "Not that I'm suggesting that's what happened here."

"I have something," Ziva offered from across the bullpen, where she was working at her computer. With a few keystrokes she transferred whatever she was looking at to the Plasma and came around her desk ass she continued. "The local news station is reporting the death of a Mr and Mrs David Harrison due to Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Apparently, they had reported a fault with their heating system to the building supervisor but nothing was done."

"They lived in the Apartment next to Tony." McGee realised.

"So why is DiNozzo still alive?" Gibbs asked harshly.

No-one was fooled by his acerbic tone. Everyone could hear the concern underlying his enquiry. They all knew that his anger was directed at whoever or whatever had dared to allow his senior field Agent to come to harm and a desire to see that he brought whoever was responsible to justice.

"His symptoms suggest that Anthony suffered only limited exposed," Ducky spoke up. "Some poor unfortunates are exposed to low level Carbon Monoxide poisoning over a long period and attribute their headaches and nausea to some kind of virus. Judging by his attire I would imagine that he probably had an assignation last night and only returned to his own bed in the early hours."

"According to the news report," Ziva added. "The Harrison's were discovered by their maid when she came in at 6am. She raised the alarm and the Police evacuated the building. Paramedics were called."

"Harrisons already dead?" Gibbs wanted to know.

"Unconscious, they were taken to Hospital but couldn't be revived," Ziva supplied. "One other person was given oxygen at the scene but refused to give a blood sample or undergo any further medical treatment."

"_DiNozzo." _

Gibbs and McGee spoke together. When Gibbs glared, McGee simply shrugged. They both knew that since his trip to Bethesda to be 'pricked like a pin cushion' Tony avoided shots and needles like the plague. Ducky was about the only person he would trust to take his blood, with Brad Pitt coming in as second string.

"He gonna be okay, Duck?"

"Oh, I should say so," Ducky nodded. "From what he tells me, his exposure was only at a moderate level, not sufficient for him to lose consciousness, the Paramedics gave him oxygen at the scene and now that he is no longer breathing the gas there's no reason he shouldn't make a full recovery."

Gibbs noted the relieved smiles on the faces of Ziva and McGee and let it slid. He covered his own concern with a gruff order to stop standing around and get to work, or he'd find them something to do. For a full five minutes he tried to focus on the file in front of him, only to push it aside and head out without explanation.

He was glad to find Ducky alone in autopsy. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to have in front of others.

"You were worried. Why?"

Mallard sighed; turning his back on his friend and carefully putting the papers he was looking at into four distinct piles as he tried to gather his thoughts.

"Medically, everything I said is correct. Anthony's exposure was limited. He received immediate treatment. A little fresh air and proper nourishment and he should be no worse for wear."

"Should be doesn't cut it, Duck."

Now Mallard turned, letting his old friend see the full extent of his concern. His eyes were creased with worry and his lips pursed as he folded his arms slowly across his chest.

"Anthony's exposure doesn't account for the severity of his symptoms. You saw him yourself Jethro. The poor boy was utterly lost and most unlike himself. I can only imagine that the accident has taken some kind of emotional toll on him that he is unwilling or unable to share."

"You think he feels guilty for not saving the Harrison?" Gibbs asked after a moment's thought.

"Possibly," Mallard considered. "The boy does have a remarkable capacity for shouldering the blame for things that are not his fault. From what I gathered the Harrison's were unconscious long before Anthony arrived home. There was nothing he could have done."

Gibbs stood for a moment deep in thought. Then suddenly it hit him with such blinding clarity that he couldn't believe that he had totally missed its significant earlier.

"His goldfish died."

"Inevitable I'm afraid," Mallard nodded. "Anthony may have had a lucky escape but the fishes breathing apparatus would not have been able to withstand the levels of gas that they were exposed to .." He paused. "Oh my, those were the fish that Caitlyn brought Anthony for his birthday."

"Yep." Gibbs expression was unreadable.

"But he can hardly be blaming himself for this," Mallard protested. "He wasn't responsible for the faulty heating system. And they would have been dead in seconds. With the best will in the world, their demise couldn't have been prevented."

"So, he just stands by and watches them die while he gets off Scott free?" Gibbs asked tonelessly. "Sound familiar, Duck?"

"Oh dear." Ducky realised. "This is worse than I thought."

"Isn't it always?" Gibbs countered with a weary sigh as he turned around and prepared to head back upstairs.


	3. Chapter 3

AN- I'm so sorry I've been so bad at replying to reviews lately, I really, really do appreciate them, I'm just manaically busy right now and thought you would prefer the next chapter as soon as. I will try and catch up in the next week or so!

* * *

As Gibbs walked back into the bullpen he noted with satisfaction that DiNozzo's desk was still empty. Taking an hour off in the middle of the working day to hold his senior field Agent's hand just wasn't an option. Using Abby was the next best thing she had the knack of smoothing DiNozzo's ruffled feathers.

"Um, Boss?" McGee hovered by his desk.

"You have those figures I asked for McGee?"

"I'm working on it."

Gibbs gave him an old fashioned look as he came around and settled himself into his chair. Picking up his pen and looking the junior agent in the eye, he raised a sceptical brow.

"From over here?"

"Actually, yes," McGee brightened. "My computer is presently running a number of simultaneous enquiries.." He trailed off at Gibbs' look. "And you really don't care about that."

"Is there a reason, you are still standing in front of my desk, Special Agent McGee?"

"Is Tony going to be alright, Boss?" McGee looked grave. "I mean he couldn't save the Harrisons. That's got to hit him hard."

Glancing across, Gibbs could also see Ziva regarding him, her eyes creased with concern. He felt proud of his team. They might fight and tease one another mercilessly but when it counted they always had each other's six.

"He's been through worse," Gibbs hid his own worry. "He'll be fine."

McGee nodded, wanting to believe him. Ziva looked slightly less convinced. Gibbs forced himself to open a file and look busy. Tony was a seasoned cop, a former Homicide detective and a damn good NCIS Agent. Death was part of his life. But usually it was the bodies of strangers.

"Um, Boss? What about the fish?" McGee hadn't moved. "He seemed pretty upset .."

Gibbs looked up. The junior Agent looked awkward. Across the room Ziva had returned to work, the whole of her attention apparently focused on her computer screen. The ex-Marine wasn't fooled. He knew she was still listening. He paused, considering his answer. He had been the only other person with DiNozzo on the roof that day as Kate's blood had splattered across his face.

He wanted to keep it that way.

"You ever lose a pet, McGee?"

"I have allergies," McGee excused himself. "I had a chameleon once."

Gibbs shook his head. He was a dog person himself. He liked their loyalty and their open affection. Someone should have bought DiNozzo a dog when he was a kid. It would have gone a long way to fixing a lot of the younger man's attention issues.

"They're just fish, McGee. He'll get over it."

McGee nodded, accepting that, as he moved back to his desk. A quiet settled over the bullpen as they tried to adopt an almost normal routine. Gibbs came and went. A video conference in MTAC was folowed by a meeting with the Director. When he came down the stairs to see McGee moving hastily back from Tony's computor to his own workspace, he didn't ask.

He went for out for coffee.

When he returned DiNozzo was back at his desk. In a single glance Gibbs realised his mistake and berated himself for letting the younger man out of his sight. Somewhere along the line Tony had found time to shower and change. The sweat top and jeans he wore were DiNozzo for relaxed and confident. _Overcompensating_, Gibbs thought immediately. As DiNozzo leant back in his chair and talked animatedly on his desk phone, Gibbs could see that his smile was just a little strained and there were line of tension around his eyes.

Abby greeted him with a worried look, barely managing a smile for the Caff Pow, he pulled out of the brown paper bag hew was carrying and pressed into her hand. Together they surveyed DiNozzo for a moment, as the younger man tried so hard to be normal, that it was almost painful to watch.

"Did he even eat anything?" Gibbs murmured.

"A little," Abby shrugged, her eyes still on Tony. "He wouldn't talk to me though. Sorry."

"Not your fault." Gibbs replied.

He didn't blame her. If he had realised what was really bothering DiNozzo he would have known the Italian's memories were too dark for him to feel comfortable sharing them with the forensic scientist. Abby had an uncanny ability to feel other people's pain and Tony would go out of his way to protect her from what he was going through. He knew she missed Kate as much as he did.

Pulling another cup out of his paper bag Gibb set it down firmly on DiNozzo's desk. Ducky had said the kid needed fluids. As he set his phone back in its cradle, Tony greeted his offering with a wary look. Gibbs merely stared at him, until DiNozzo took the hint and picked up the cup, cracking the lid and blinking in pleased surprise as he breathed in the fragrant scent of tea.

"You eat anything, DiNozzo?" Gibbs asked curtly, before he could be thanked.

"I ordered the waffles, with vanilla ice-cream, cherries and hot chocolate fudge sauce," Tony gave him an empty smile. "It came with a sparkler in the middle and a waitress dressed like a Milkmaid called Trudy."

Gibbs deliberately put down his coffee and placed both his palms on DiNozzo's desk as he leaned in and spoke dangerously quietly, for his senior field Agent's ears only. DiNozzo had only said he _ordered_ the food.

"Did You Eat Anything?" He emphasised.

"Boss."

Just for a second, Tony's façade cracked, as he looked quickly down and away. Gibbs shook his head as his fingers itched to slap some sense into the younger man. Instead, he reached back into the bag and pulled out a small, wrapped, packet.

"Eat." He ordered.

Turning back to his desk he didn't look to see if DiNozzo obeyed. He knew he would. When he got like this what Tony needed was simple clear directions, that and something to get his teeth into. As he opened yet another file Gibbs almost wished for a dead Marine. Hating himself for even considering that he pursed his lips as he tried to think of a cold case that could spark DiNozzo's interest without raising any old demons.

"McGee, what did you do to my computer?"

Gibbs' head came up sharply at the odd, strangled, note in DiNozzo's tone. McGee didn't appear to notice as he bounded to his feet and hurried eagerly over to Tony's desk, using the mouse to demonstrate something on his monitor as he explained.

"I used the video footage of Goth and Geek that Abby shot the last time she was at your place and I turned it into a screen saver for you. Now you can look at them when ever you want."

"Change it back." Tony's voice was expressionless.

"But .."

"_Now,_ Probie!"

"I thought you'd be pleased."

To Gibbs mind, it was only McGee's honest confusion kept DiNozzo from ripping into him. As it was his senior field Agent stood up slowly, using his full height to intimidate the younger man before he spoke in a low and dangerous tone.

"Goth and Geek were beautiful, living, creatures. They had a mother and a father and a family that loved them. They still had their whole lives ahead of them. Maybe they dreamed of having a couple of little guys of their own one-day. You think you can replace them with a bunch of colours and pixels?"

"But think of the advantages," Gibbs almost flinched at McGee's eagerness to make things better. "You never have to remember to feed them or change their water and they'll last forever."

Tony pressed his lips tight closed and clenched his fists briefly at the implication that he hadn't taken good care of his pets. Gibbs shifted his weight, ready to spring out of his chair and over his desk, if he needed to intervene. Yet when DiNozzo finally spoke, his soft, defeated, tone worried Gibbs more than his anger would have done.

"Nothing lasts forever, Probie."

As Tony turned on his heel and headed off towards Abby's lab, McGee cast a stricken look at Gibbs, his eyes full of apology as he finally made the connection. Gibbs shook his head. It wasn't entirely the junior Agent's fault but that didn't mean the ex-marine was prepared to let him completely off the hook. He expected his people to be observant and McGee should have known better.

"I'm sorry, Boss. I wasn't thinking."

"Change it back, McGee." Gibbs sighed as he reached for his desk phone. "Duck, its me."

McGee slumped in DiNozzo's chair as he set about restoring his computer to its original settings, softly cursing him self for his cluelessness. Staring at the screen he was surprised to feel Ziva standing at his shoulder, looking curiously at the image of the swimming fish.

"I don't understand," she admitted finally. "Why does he care so much about the fish? He doesn't seem to be a pet person. He doesn't like cats or dogs .."

"They don't like him, Ziva. There's a difference." McGee answered distractedly as he worked.

"But he's like Gibbs. He doesn't like gifts that need attention," Ziva pressed. "You know how he was. Always worrying that the room was too hot or too cold, constantly looking up fish diseases on the web, always hunting around for people to look after them when he was out of town. You'd think he'd be glad to be free of all that."

"Its complicated."

"They are goldfish, McGee," Ziva gestured at the screen. "How complicated can that be?"

McGee bit his lip. He wasn't at all sure that DiNozzo would be comfortable with them talking about this. Tony was funny like that. He'd brag openly about details that Mcgee considered to be deeply personal but was remarkably closed mouthed about things that Tim thought was just normal family stuff.

"Its just that the fish were a present from Kate," McGee knew he didn't need to tell the former Spy who Kate was. "For his last birthday."

"Oh." Ziva said.

Silently she made her way back to her own desk and sat down. She had known that DiNozzo and Todd were close. They had been partners for over two years and when she had first met Tony he had been raw and angry in his grief. She vividly remembered his words about Ari.

"_I'd wish you luck, but I want the bastard dead too."_

She was a little surprised to hear that the team exchanged birthday gifts. She hadn't been here long enough to celebrate anyone's birthday yet and it wasn't the kind of behaviour she could imagine Gibbs encouraging. Abby, most definitely, but not Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Still, she was a part of this team now and she felt it was important to show her solidarity with her new co-workers. She just wished she could think of a way to make Tony feel better.

And then it came to her.


	4. Chapter 4

AN- Apologies for the delay, Christmas kind of got away from me and now I am off on my travels again. Final chapter next Sunday, I promise!

* * *

As soon as the elevator doors closed Tony allowed himself to run a frustrated hand through his hair. He knew he shouldn't have snapped like that, McGee was only trying to help. It was just that seeing the fish swimming around like that on his monitor as if nothing had happened to them, like they were _alive_, had hurt more than he thought possible. He straightened up, shaking his head slightly. They were dead, better get used to it.

"Ah, Anthony, my dear boy, there you are," Tony blinked as the elevator doors opened to reveal Dr Mallard, who took him firmly by the arm and began to steer him towards autopsy, all the while ignoring the look of surprise on Tony's face and the way he kept looking back over his shoulder towards the elevator which could still whisk him to the safety of Abby's lab.

"Actually, Duck, I was just on my way to see .."

"I have the results of your tests," Ducky ignored him. "You will glad to know that all is well. You really are a very fortunate young man. High levels of carbon monoxide poisoning can have serious long term side effects."

"More serious than death?" Tony asked darkly.

He was surprised to be wrenched to a halt, the MDs grip hard and almost painful on his arm as his eyes blazed with feeling.

"My dear boy, you do not seem to appreciate the level of peril you yourself were in. If you had been exposed to higher levels you would, without doubt, have experienced a range of debilitating symptoms, such as bladder weakness, which would almost certainly have put paid to your career as in law enforcement, which to a man such as yourself I believe that would be a fate rather worse than death, especially as death is something you seem to court on a regular basis."

"I'm a Federal Agent, Duck. I'm supposed to put myself in the line of fire," Tony dismissed that. "If I had been home last night, maybe the Harrrison's would still be alive."

He thought about the couple as he had last seen them, laughing together, their faces full of merriment, her arm tucked companionably in his as they made their way down the sidewalk. Other images crowded through his brain. His Mother smiling and smelling of expensive perfume, his best friend at College, killed in a ski-ing accident, Kate dead on the roof before her time.

He closed his eyes. He wasn't going to go there.

"Tony, you were not responsible for the Harrisons' death," Mallard chided. "Any more than you can be held responsible for the death of the fish," He softened his tone. "Or indeed, the loss of our own beloved Caitlyn."

"Kate? Who mentioned Kate? This isn't about _Kate_." Even to his own ears Tony's laugh sounded false and not one of his best efforts.

"If I were to venture an opinion," Ducky smiled sadly. "I would say that Kate was still 'watching your six' as Jethro might say. The fish were her birthday gift to you if I recall?"

"Yeah, they were," Tony's tone was clipped and hard. "And I let them die."

When he had come home to shower and change for work, he had stopped to feed the fish before he did anything else. He knew Kate would have teased him if she had seen how much he had fussed over her gift. He had fed them the best food, changed their water, brought them little plants and an ugly plastic castle for them to play in. He had done his best to honour her memory by taking good care of them.

"I do declare you are as stubborn as Jethro!" Mallard exploded. "And, no, that is not a trait of which you should be proud. The death of those fish alerted you to the fact that something was seriously wrong, which undoubtedly limited your exposure to the gas and minimised the severity of your symptoms. Indeed, it most probably saved your life. Do you really think Caitlyn would value the lives of a pair of goldfish over your own?"

"No, she wouldn't, Duck." Tony smiled a rueful smile, which suggested that although he didn't think Kate would blame him, he was still struggling to forgive himself. "I should be getting back. Gibbs will kick my ass if he thinks I'm slacking and someone has to make sure the Harrisons get justice."

Mallard shook his head as he watched the younger man walk back towards the elevator. He waited until Tony had pressed the call button and the doors had slid open, knowing that the younger man's innate good manners would not allow him to offend the elderly MD by closing the door in his face. He would have no choice but to listen.

"My dear boy, why do you persist in thinking that everyone else in this world is more deserving than you?" Ducky shook his head. "No, don't answer that. I know you have your reasons. But you really must allow those of us who love you to feel some gratitude that you are still among us."

Tony paused, one hand preventing the elevator door from closing as he considered that. Looking at the sincerity in Mallard's expression he nodded once, in gratitude. Causing the Scotsman to shake his head as the doors closed and the car ascended. Tony knew he hadn't fooled the MD for a second. Ducky didn't want his gratitude he wanted him to actually believe that the world wouldn't be a better place if he had been the one killed on the roof that day.

He couldn't see it.

Kate would have saved those civilians. She would never have been out all night in the first place. God, he'd broken one of Gibbs cardinal rules. He'd been unreachable. And if that didn't make him a world class screw up, after he had finally showed, seriously late, he had torn a strip off McGee for just trying to help. Right now he wouldn't blame Gibbs if he fired his ass.

Exiting the elevator he noticed that Ziva, McGee and Abby had formed a little cluster around McGee's desk. Gibbs was no-where to be seen. Slowing his pace slightly, Tony slipped behind the partition and eavesdropped on their conversation. They were all looking at a brightly coloured cardboard box.

"I don't know," Abby bit her lip with worry. "Tony is like Gibbs. He doesn't like gifts that need attention."

"I don't think these need a great deal of attention," Ziva peered at the box. "You just need to add water."

"They are still little sentient beings. They swim, they eat, they have babies," Abby shook her head.

"Well, actually, these are are a unique species of brine shrimp, known by the scientific name of Artemia NYOS..." McGee began, only to pause at Abby's glare. "You probably already know what they are and you don't really care, do you."

"Yes and No," Abby informed him, before turning her attention back to Ziva. "I'm just not sure Tony is ready to take on more dependents. He needs time to mourn."

"He told me these were the pets he ever had as a child," Ziva defended her choice. "I have noticed that in times of difficultly a little nostalgia can be very comforting."

Tony peered slightly over the partition, just in time to see Abby and McGee exchange an uncomfortable look. A fierce, whispered conversation ensured, which had Ziva looking at them in open confusion. In the end, a sharp elbow to the ribs, encouraged McGee to speak up.

"The thing is," McGee hedged. "He never told you what happened to his Sea Monkeys, did he?"

"His Mother mistook them for her Mint Julep and she drank them." Abby continued mournfully.

Ziva pursed her lips as she considered that. If she was honest she wasn't exactly sure what a mint julep was. She might be willing to dismiss the whole idea of his mother imbibing his pets as a bizarre practical joke, if it wasn't for the twin looks of concern etched on her colleagues' faces. They wouldn't joke about this. Not when Tony was already hurting so badly.

"That is not a good memory." Ziva reflected sadly.

Tony swallowed hard. To step up and now and make his presence known now would be both awkward and embarrassing. Part of him was grateful for his friends' willingness to help him deal. But mostly, he couldn't bear to see the pity in their eyes. It wasn't as if they could actually make this better.

"DiNozzo."

Without an audience, Tony didn't bother to jump as Gibbs came up beside him. His sense of smell was sensitive enough to catch the soft scents of sawdust and plain soap that were uniquely Gibbs.

"Boss."

"You're with me."

Tony nodded slightly. He'd expected this. He had screwed up and it had actually been pretty nice of Gibbs to hold off on tearing a strip off him until the room had stopped spinning. Although, he'd almost rather do this with an audience, Gibbs' public reprimands mostly stopped at few words, or a look. One on one, it was never pretty.

"I haven't turned my computer off." Tony stalled. He might deserve this, didn't mean he had to be eager about it.

"I'm sure McGee can figure it out." Gibbs was already heading towards the elevator.

"Look, Boss," Tony hefted his back pack and hurried after him. He always figured the best defence was a good offence. "I know I should have called you."

"Dammed straight."

Gibbs tone was curt, as he pushed the button to set the car in motion, his jaw clenched so tight Tony actually thought he might crack a tooth. This was going to be bad. Quickly marshalled his thoughts he decided he'd better talk fast if he wanted to at least try and keep his job. Or avoid being confined to desk duty, which would be almost as boring as it was embarrassing. "And I would have, but I needed to check on the Harrisons and before I could get there the EMTs got a hold of me and then when I realised what time it was all I could think of was coming straight here."

"DiNozzo, why are you making excuses?"

"Sorry, Boss," Tony swallowed hard, looking straight ahead, determined to take whatever was coming. "Got it. There are no excuses."


	5. Chapter 5

"Tony," Gibbs sighed, then he reached out and brought the elevator to a halt, before turning to face his senior field Agent. "There are no excuses because you did nothing wrong. You were in your own home and you got poisoned by an odourless, invisible, gas. How is any of that your fault?"

"The Harrisons .." Tony protested.

"Were already dead, hours before you got home," Gibbs cut him off. "There was nothing you could have done for them. If you had stayed in,you would have died too. That what you want?"

"But you said I should have called in." Tony floundered.

Gibbs had a take a breath, to control his own rising emotions. Every time they came up against this he cursed whatever it was in DiNozzo's childhood that always made him think he was the low man on the totem pole.

"For help, DiNozzo," He spoke softly. "You should have called in for help."

All day long he had been torturing himself with what might have been. The image of DiNozzo, sick and disorentated, sitting in the gutter as he tried to come to terms with his inability to save the Harrisons and waited for a cab to come and drive him to work, where he thought his Boss was going to tear him off a strip, was bad enough.

"Oh," Tony digested that, the only thing Gibbs was pissed about was that he hadn't had him come take charge? It almost made things better. "Are you going to slap me now?"

A small smile quirked at the edge of Gibbs' lips as he gave the idea his full consideration. As he raised his hand Tony tensed, squeezing his eyes shut in anticipation of a serious slap, only to crack one eye open, as Gibbs gently ruffled his hair.

"You almost died today," Gibbs offered, making a face. "I reckon that gives you a free pass."

"It does?" Tony perked up.

"Just one," Gibbs clarified, leaning over to set the elevator car in motion again. "C'mon, Ducky says you need to eat regualrly. I'll buy you lunch."

"Wow, you're actually going to pay?"

"Don't push it." Gibbs warned.

"Boss, pushing it is what I love about this job. I hear the truffles at La Chat D'Or are particularly good." Tony tried, bouncing a little on his heels, as he named one of the city's most exclusive and expensive restaurants. He knew better than to think Gibbs was done with him yet. He'd been distinctly off his Game today and that never happened without good reason. Maybe, if he acted as normally as possible he could head things before Gibbs decided to open that particualr can of worms.

"My wallet, my choice," Gibbs grinned mirthlessly at him. "We need to make a stop on the way."

"We do?" Tony blinked. He had no idea what Gibbs was planning. And judging by the way the ex-Marine was staring straight ahead, a small smile playing around his lips, Tony was pretty sure he wasn't about to find out until his Boss was good and ready. He sighed. He wasn't entirely sure he was going to _like _this but he trusted Gibbs not to open up old scars just to see them bleed. "Of course, we do."

Gibbs made short work of the lunchtime traffic, refusing to react in any way to Tony's deliberately increasingly annoying attempts to find out their destination. Except for reaching over to slap his hand away, as he changed the station on the radio for the tenth time and threatening to shoot him if another word came out of his mouth. When Tony resorted to humming, he actually laughed. Right, before he popped the back of his head.

"Ouch," Tony rubbed his head, more for effect than any real discomfort. "I almost died today."

"Pay attention. One free pass is all you get, DiNozzo," Gibbs kept his eyes on the traffic.

Subsiding back in his seat, Tony looked out of the window, peering curiously at the passing neighbourhood. He knew this part of town pretty well and he couldn't think of a single reason why Gibbs would bring him out this way. He was just about to risk asking if they were nearly there yet, when the car came to a halt.

"We're here." Gibbs said.

"We are?" Tony looked out at the rows of neatly kept houses. "We visiting someone?"

"Something like that." Gibbs agreed as he put the car into park, undid his seatbelt and took the key out of the ignition, before exiting the vehicle. Tony matched his actions, following his Boss across the road and up the steps of the large, imposing, Church situated on the corner.

"Someone is right," Tony observed, sotto voice, for some reason feeling the need to speak in hushed tones, even though they were clearly alone in the cavernous structure. "Um, Boss. It's been a while since I've been in a Church. He might not be that pleased to see me."

Gibbs just gave him a look as he dropped some coins into a box and passed a taper to his senior field Agent, as he picked one up for himself.

"You want me to light a candle for the goldfish?" Tony blinked.

Gibbs took his time answering, making sure his own candle was burning brightly before turning his head to give his senior field Agent a level look, which had Tony squirming slightly before his Boss even opened his mouth.

"DiNozzo, you work in a building full of people who investigate things for a living. You really think we're going to believe any of this is about the fish?"

"Boss..," Tony didn't want to talk about this. He really didn't. For a moment he took refuge in action, lighting one of the candles, watching its flickering light and thinking about his memories of Kate. "I was supposed to take care of them. I promised her I would and I let them die," Tony swallowed hard looking up to meet Gibbs' eyes as he added the unbearable bit. "Just like I let her die."

"You didn't let her die. That bastard Ari killed her." Gibbs corrected, as he settled himself into a pew.

"You really believe that, Boss?" Since Gibbs clearly had no intention of leaving just yet, Tony joined him, sitting side by side, as they both looked straight ahead.

"Not at first," Gibbs admitted. "It's never easy to stand by and watch someone die. It's not meant to be. That doesn't mean you could have done anything different."

"I know," Tony ran a hand through his hair. Gibbs was right. It had all been over in seconds. There had been no time to move or react. "I would have saved her if I could."

"Sometimes, that's all we have." Gibbs spoke softly.

They both fell silent for a moment as they relieved that moment on the roof. McGee had been down on the ground, trying to co-ordinate things with his laptop, whilst dodging Ari's bullets behind the parked car. Tony remembered how his heart had stopped when he had heard the fatal shot and seen Kate go down.

"It should have been me."

He wasn't even aware that he had spoken aloud, until he felt the slap connect with the back of his head hard enough to make his ears ring. Looking across at his Boss, Tony's eyes widened with genuine surprise. Despite appearances, Gibbs' head slaps were usually a wake up call rather than a serious reprimand. Right now he looked as mad as hell.

"What? Everybody loved Kate." Tony defended himself. Ducky had admired her for her beauty and compassion. She had been smart enough to understand what McGee was talking about. Abby had warmed up to her quicker than Tony had ever seen her take to any one. And, despite her lack of experience in the field, she had earned Gibbs' respect.

"You ever think what things might have been like if you had been the one who was killed?"

"Kate had a family who loved her." Tony answered tightly.

She had had a mother and father who had cried over her grave and brothers who had mourned her. More cousins, aunts and uncles than Tony had ever seen gathered in one place had come from all corners of the world to pay their respects. Even her aged Grandmother had insisted on being brought from her retirement home to be there for the service.

"So, do you." Gibbs responded softly.

The quiet words brought Tony's head up sharply. It was the look in Gibbs eyes as much as the words themselves that convinced him. He remembered that exact same look as they faced each other across Kate's body on the roof that day. In full Marine mode, he had given Tony his orders then, just as the ex-cop had turned to obey, he had called him back, pulling out his own handkerchief to wipe the blood off Tony's face as gently as a Mother caring for her toddler. Then he had stuffed the blood stained handkerchief back in his pocket, before squeezing Tony's shoulder, sending him on his way. All the while, with that same look in his eyes.

"You gonna buy me a pet, too Boss?" He grinned softly.

"Hell, no." Gibbs vetoed that.

Tony smiled, as he realised there was only one thing Gibbs thought he should be taking care of right now.

Himself.


End file.
